Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
