I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize