Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
