Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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