that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
