I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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