There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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