Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
