i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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