Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Randomize
