i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈ðŸ˜
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
