Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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