I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
