My sheets look like a crime scene.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
