i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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