I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
