dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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