So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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