I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize