i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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