So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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