I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize