You just made me feel so damn special
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
