don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
