I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
