Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize