Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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