Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
foreskin is a definite game changer
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize