He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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