so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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