mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
