Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Randomize