I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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