youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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