I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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