dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
