She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
