I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
