You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
we should paint friendship bongs
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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