You're so nebulous sometimes
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She bit a glass in half.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
