Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
