You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
