i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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