just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I wish there were birth control emojis
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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