I was born with a shot glass in my hand
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
