i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize