did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
and she was petting her beer can
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
