cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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