i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
