enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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