is your mom at the bar?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
