Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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