your parents love me but you hate me
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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