Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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