i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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