I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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