one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Randomize
