I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Randomize
