her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
