Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
