I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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