Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
