It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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