you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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