dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
